Having a front row seat at weddings is one of my great privileges as a pastor. During an especially memorable fall, I married eight couples. Which year? Yes -1999. Some single computer-savvy people in the Research Triangle Park, NC, area decided two were better than one with Y2K uncertainties!
Along the way, in pre-marital sessions, many couples and I have explored a Biblical foundation for marriage – including vows.
The McQuilkin Story – “Living by Vows”
Robertson McQuilkin, former President of Columbia Bible College and Seminary, found that his wife, Muriel, a vibrant, accomplished woman, began to deteriorate with Alzheimer’s. Slowly, she couldn’t remember things, couldn’t speak coherently, and couldn’t understand.
McQuilkin wrote: “Often she says words that make little sense: ‘no’ when she means ‘yes.’ But she can say one sentence, and says it often: ‘I love you.'”
“It became increasingly difficult to keep Muriel home. As soon as I left, she would take out after me. With me, she was content; without me, she was distressed. The walk to school is a mile, round-trip. She would make that trip as many as ten times a day. Sometimes at night, when I helped her undress, I found bloody feet.”
Despite the urging of his board and close friends, despite the magnitude of his responsibilities, Dr. McQuilkin eventually resigned. He wanted to care for Muriel full-time.
“This is no grim duty to which I stoically resign. As I watch her brave descent into oblivion, Muriel is the joy of my life. Daily I discern new manifestations of the kind of person she is, the wife I always loved. I also see fresh manifestations of God’s love—that God I long to love more fully.”
What shall we say?
McQuilkin attended a workshop so he could better care for Muriel. The leader told McQuilkin that his dedication to his wife was really “guilt” (“Muriel’s Blessing,” Christianity Today, 2/5/96). Paul Miller comments: “The expert had no category for love (“The Praying Life” p. 108).
Here’s our theme: love and vows are tied together in God.
The Gibeonites – Step back to @1406 BC
The Gibeonites should have been obliterated – along with the other Canaanites destroyed by Joshua and his army. But, the Gibeonites resorted to a ruse – saying they had come from a distant country – asking the Israelites to make a peace treaty with them. The Israelites believed their lie. Read Joshua 9 and note an oath confirmed the accord.
Oath-Making and the Bible
When the Israelites took the vow to spare the Gibeonites, they used God’s name. God had told them to use his name to seal their vows – twice. See Dt. 6:13 “Fear the LORD your God…take your oaths in his name.” Dt. 10:20 “Fear the LORD your God…take your oaths in his name.” We pay attention to God – especially when he repeats himself.
Vows are foundational for life. As a result, taking vows – even those entered into deceitfully – had weight. Eccl. 5: 4“When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. 5 It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.” The Third Commandment is Exodus 20:7 “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.” This commandment relates not only to profanity but also to vows. The Westminster Confession of Faith designates a whole chapter, Chapter 22, to making oaths. With weddings, we learn – Mal 2:14 – “The LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” Vows have weight.
Back to the Gibeonites – nearly 400 years later
What are 400 years? The Pilgrims arrived in New England in 1620. Similarly, what happened to the Gibeonites during the 400 years after the vow of mercy taken with Joshua? Did they die out or become assimilated?
No, we meet Gibeonites in 2 Samuel 21 (@ 1,000 BC). David’s predecessor, King Saul, like Hitler with the Jews, tried to reassert his leadership through ethnic cleansing of a despised people, the Gibeonites. But, God sent a famine – got David’s attention, and protected the Gibeonites.
Who takes vows seriously – even vows entered into deceitfully? Aha.
And the Gibeonites – 600 years later
Finally, we meet the Gibeonites again after the Babylonian captivity, about 445 BC. In Nehemiah 7, we find 838 (!) families of Gibeonites returning to Jerusalem. Nearly 1000 years after they made the initial vow, Gibeonites! Wow!
God and Vows
Why is God so adamant about vows? Indeed, the covenant-making and covenant-keeping God is eternally faithful. And, he based our salvation on a vow. Ponder Heb 6:17 “Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18 God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged.”
We think the high point of the wedding is the kiss. Grand! But, the great honor the groom and bride have is to vow: “This ring I give you in token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love – in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!” Imagine Bill Gates giving a young couple authority to use his name – even at the bank. Sweet! How much more remarkable is the gift the God of the universe gives us in the high privilege of using his name.
Couples, call out to him – ask him for grace to keep your vows made in his name. You will need his HELP. The Gibeonites show us he is ready to give it. The cross shows us he is more loving and generous than we know.
Note 1: What about dangerous marriages? Although Malachi 2:16 tells us: “God hates divorce,” he doesn’t hate all divorces. God instituted/regulated divorce. He divorced unrepentant Israel (Isaiah 50:1, Jeremiah 3:8).
Note 2: Consider these guiding principles; David Jones, Professor of Ethics, Covenant Theological Seminary, and one of the authors of the PCA General Assembly approved statement on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage (edited).
- The covenantal commitment of a man and a woman to be joined in a life-long companionship of common life and conjugal love provides the context for trust and patience when disappointments and difficulties arise.
- Nevertheless, radical breaches of covenant “troth” destroy some marriages. “Troth” means a pledge of faithfulness, fidelity, and loyalty. The ravages of sin upon the marital relation demolished the relationship. Divorce publicly and legally attests to such ruin.
- God hates covenant infidelity in all its hideous marital forms: adultery, incest, arbitrary divorce, malicious desertion, and marital violence. The adulterer, the deserter, and the inveterate abuser grossly betray their marriage companion. By their actions, they willfully repudiate the one-flesh relationship of the marriage covenant and so provide just cause for the dissolution of the marriage bond.
- Whether a given case of marital violation is both radical and irremediable can only be judged in particular circumstances. The Bible’s premium on commitment to life-long marital union and on seeking reconciliation even in circumstances of extreme provocation means that there is always a strong presumption against divorce. The Westminster Confession wisely counsels that the persons concerned be “not left to their own wills, and discretion, in their own case” (24.6).
